Dealing with competitive siblings (and inlaws)

We have all heard the phrase “middle child syndrome”. This is a story of sibling rivalry, revenge, and how the middle child impacts everyone around them. 

My husband and I got engaged about three years ago after being together for almost nine years and living together for almost seven of them. The plan was to have a long engagement so we could buy a house first and start our life with a little equity (instead of just mounds of debt).

My now brother in law, who had been with his girlfriend for approximately two years, decided to get engaged a couple of months after us. At first, I was fine with it – very happy for them in fact! Every time I thought of the fact they were getting married I smiled. This feeling was short-lived, however. Soon enough we learnt that they planned on getting married before us and also in the same year. We were livid. Filled with so much anger. Both of us are not normally the jealous or competitive type, but they had sturred something that couldn’t be stopped.

Not only did all this wedding competition impact us four, it also impacted all our families. My mother in law, as she was involved in areas of planning both weddings, was causing major drama between everyone. If their wedding had been in different year, it would have been fine. 

To complicate things more, my husband was involved in my brother in laws wedding as a groomsman, and they were both involved in our wedding as the best man and a bridesmaid. We had asked them before we knew their wedding date. We thought we were at an understanding that it would be after ours.

We had a major advantage, however. As their engagement was on the shorter side (between six months and one year), they had less time to plan therefore less time to discover different options and personalise. My husband and I, on the other hand, took our time and looked at all sorts of different options for everything.

Once we found out that they planned on getting married before us, we were second-guessing our decision on getting them involved in so much. Then we realised – that them being so involved is a perfect kind of subtle revenge. My husband and I swore not to reveal any details of our wedding to them until after theirs was done (for fear that they would use it for their own). After their wedding, however, that was when we put our plan into motion and their regrets started.

When their wedding was done, we included them in every detail of ours. We sent them ideas of what we were going to do for everything to do with entertainment, music, table decorations, cake and the list goes on. We heard so many “oh I wish we thought of that!” from them and that made us feel a twinge of happiness. Even at the wedding itself, we heard these comments from them – obviously comparing their wedding to ours.

Due to their rush to get married, their wedding turned out quite cookie-cutter and rather generic. It was not only us that thought that, it was proven by how many people were there at the end of the night. They had 100 guests at their wedding and we had 75. At the end of the night, we noticed something different between our weddings. We had at least 40 people still there at about 10pm, and at their wedding at 830pm, they had barely 20 (hardly enough to do the sparkler exit). If that isn’t enough of an indicator of how good the wedding is I don’t know what is.

Us taking our time planning really paid off as our wedding turned out to be a reflection of us. As a result, our guests picked up on that and really loved the personal touch.

The thing about doing something first is that you miss your chance to “one-up” someone. Yes, you have done it first, but does that really make you better?